Fides Custos

I'm not dead... since people keep sending me emails and so forth asking me if I'm dead or not. The answer to this stream of constant questioning is "No, I'm not dead.". I'll post a more thorough update sometime in the near future, but on the general note, I'm still alive and still existing in the world.... so many things have changed, oh how things have changed. I'll make some kind of an epic and post it here soon with all the events and happenings over the past 4-5 months of my life. Till then, I hope you're all well.

~Fides Custos

So you think you can tell Heaven from Hell? Me neither....
The world isn't perfect, nothing really is; but somewhere between Good and Evil there's Earth, and while most people are Gray and wrong, immoral and spiteful, full of bad intentions and thoughts. While most of the world is out drinking their troubles away, and thinking "sex" each and every day, nearly all day long. There's a little drop of Heaven, somewhere far from here, just about to fall from the clouds. When it rains, it pours and when it pours it washes all the Fire and Hell away. So Roses and Raindrops.... bring me a down-pour and let it all wash away in this flood of reigning righteous intent.
"Salvation Is Right Where You Stand"

The most ironic color is Red. You want to say it's the color of love and something vivid and beautiful but why then is it the color of blood? It's also ironic how fast a life can be taken and how the ripples of death can alter and hurt so many others.
Fly away to somewhere new... time seems to stand still lately. The broken hands on a watch I don't own anymore are still standing somewhere far from here for someone I still long to see. Though it is as if time stopped for me but the world kept moving. The sun still rises and sets and days pass by without anything but a hollow brush of the shoulder.
All I can say is that I'm waiting for July 18th. This year... just like the Counting Crows said, as July comes to an end a new chapter will begin and truly; for once; "August And Everything After" is worth looking forward to.
"If you want to kiss the sky; you've got to learn how to kneel."

~Ryan.

So leaving for Idaho didn't work out quite as I had hoped. However it did have the lovely effect of demonstrating my ambition and drive towards what I want to pretty much everyone; so since I have been back in Florida I've been granted free reign over myself as long as I'm here pretty much. Autom is going to moving down now, since my parents, knowing that if she's here I will stay, are allowing this. Which is wonderful news, because I cannot be away from the love of my life for so long. It's agonizing in ways I cannot describe to be away from someone as amazing and perfect as Autom. In other news, I'm putting in job applications like mad because I-CARE isn't paying out anymore and I need something more permanent. Though since I'm not 18 and not able to run a register it's not going well. *sigh* Tomorrow's another day. And Ain't That Just Like The Rain?

~Ryan.

Today is the point of no return. Beyond this is infinity; epiphany; perfection; all. It is the color behind the glass. The shades beyond gray. After today...everything changes. Though everything already has changed, I didn't notice it until today, but in all honesty, I think I already gave up here. I pretty much already closed my "life" here and ended it. I'm excited though, this is not a bad change, this is a beautiful revolution, it's a growing, blooming, episode in life. So as I pack my things tonight and talk to the lovely angel who lights up my life; I will remind myself of this quote that I leave you all with.
"We all have a life; just one; it is passing with each second. When reflecting on life and love; you will never be without a life, but if you actually lived that life is dependent on if you had loved."

~Fides Custos
-Finding Happiness; The Once And Future King.

So here's what I'm thinking.
What if everything is worth having? What if everything that's just out of reach is all that's worth having? What if there was nothing behind you and everything in front of you? What if the horizon was more beautiful than any ever seen before? What would you be willing to do to have that? In my case.... anything; and anything can take me across the country in roughly 3 days now... and as the song says
"I'm taking a chance; this could be different; this could be all I'm waiting for..." and I have an odd feeling it will be. Tonight I start packing, and soon, I will have forgotten this place in full, for the small bit of Heaven waiting for me elsewhere are all I can think of anymore, and in her voice and her eyes, promises of something worth having, mayhaps love. I think so.

~Ryan.

I went to the beach today. I shot some pool. It rained. I miss Autom. I miss Autom. I miss Autom. I miss Autom. I can't wait to be there with her in a week. I hate Live Journal becuase if I post more than like a single paragraph it freezes up and will not post the comment or journal update for me. Needless to say; this can't be very long. I'll fix it somehow!! *GRRRR*

~Ryan.

Got some time to burn. I skipped last hour today after recieving two phone calls from Autom. I was prompted to leave after my AP History class because well... I wanted to make sure she was okay and also because Marine Biology is just a stupid class in general.... wait... that's school in general. Right.

What's new in my world eh? Not much really.... Perpetual Perfection Theory has now been approved and promoted by 2 professors and 1 teacher. Teacher being a High School educator and Professors being college educators. Now also working on Absolute Void theory because my old Earth Space teacher is an ass and brought it up while discussing physics so she kind of set me off on working on that too.

Mmm; been playing World of Warcraft with Autom a lot, and I got a huge TV in my room as a birthday present. Huzzah! I don't exactly know what I'm going to do with a huge flat screen TV but I guess it's pretty nice in case I ever do find a use for it lol. So hooray for giant TV. I guess I'll just hook a PS2 up to it or something and watch movies and or TV with it. Though it solves the issue of ever having to buy a TV when I move out. 33 Inch, Flat Screen, Surround Sound.... I think I'm covered. =P

My parents built this giant covered patio thing in our back-yard and ran electricity to it... I have no idea why, and now they are re-doing our porch with stone... I don't really care what they do but they keep trying to get me to go outside and help them spend hours upon hours doing these odd and pointless outdoor building jobs... It's not happening. =P I hope they stop soon. The inside of the house could use some work and at least that would be helpful to us. The things they are doing right now don't make any sense.... They went out and bought Cable internet and Satellite TV as well... for people who watch about 2 hours of TV each week, it's kind of odd that they needed another 200 channels. =\ Strange stuff.....

So uhhh... thats about the extent of my world right now. Just going to school, spending time with Autom (Whom I love.) and doing any number of random activities with friends and so forth. Welcome to 2005.

"You can call me a fool... I only wanna be with you." - Hootie and the Blowfish.

~Ryan.

"Me and the girl who could make it all clean
Out there in the shadow of the modern machine
walks St. Robinson in his Cadillac dream"

"And there are people who will say they knew me so well
I may not go to heaven..
I hope that you go to hell!"

I'd like to pretend I had some kind of direction when writing this new entry.... though I really can't say that I do, so from this point on, you'll be subjected to the absolute randomocity of the randomness of my random mind... and everything in between.

It all begins with a nice black smudge that runs the length of the page and spills all over the floor. From where the first drop if ink tarnishes the brilliant white paper is where the seconds start ticking away. I stand up right there and look at the paper, and from the massacre of a mess and the catastrophy of a love lost and a sucker-punch from reality; the words begin to form. Words that would write themselves all over my paper, all over my house, all over my hands, heart and body, and what they said were whispers and dreams. I couldn't help but think to myself, "How utterly perfect." because it's always raining outside and the rest of the world is already wasted away in the water.

So from there... I get my Mustang back... that's right, I got my Mustang back and it's mine all mine. Then I get a few paychecks from ICARE medical and my birthday rolls right around the corner. Then an angel walks into my life... in such an odd way too. I meet her at Dolanaar ,  right next to the mail box... and I never would have guessed that I was meeting someone so utterly perfect and incredible. For the time being though; that's all I will say on the subject, until another rainy day..

In the world of education however, I kicked my feet up and took a little nap, I watched the papers pass me by and watched the people pass me up. It's all just roses and raindrops as far as that institution of worthless dribble goes. Though my Socio-Economic theory on the business world in how it relates to Prototype Concept Replication Processes (PCRP) has at this point been through one of my professors and a professor up at the community college and is doing well with reviews. I'm really pleased about this, and I'm hoping it gets me some brownie points with the upper ranking professors at UF.

Anyways though, I really must end this now, for as much as I love you all, I love someone else much much more, and she's waiting for me.

~Fides Custos

 -The Faithic Grace.

Being back at school is incredibly hard... it's like someone added another 3 hours onto the day and crammed them into school. It drags on and on forever and ever and all I can think about is watching the clock. Oh wait... nothing's changed at all...

Anyways, supposedly I'm going to be put on the ICARE Medical Pay-Roll soon and have an actual schedule with them so I'll have a consistant income. That'll be rather nice because it means I won't have sporatic hours and choppy pay-checks. Either way... good stuff.

Furthermore I finally came up with an idea for a senior project and a college admissions piece. It's a theory on Socio-economic systems that's based off the old "Perpetual Strive" theory. I haven't come up with a name for it yet but it's more of an explanation to the Infinity phenomenon and how it applies to the human desire to refine external prototype concepts. It's going to be AWESOME, and thoroughly kick the shit out of all the other projects. Hooray!

I haven't been sleeping well lately, I'm not sure why but the insomnia is getting to me really bad. I've been just spacing out at school A LOT and everything seems really distant and fake. Since I'm not qualified to diagnose myself I won't even bother, we'll just chalk it up to bad karma and assume it'll go away on its own hehe.

Oky doke, that about sums it up. I'm going to go on another quest to get Devil May Cry 3 from those game whores at block-buster. You stay classy kids. =P

~Ryan.

"All Your Life Is Such A Shame, Shame, Shame, All Your Love Is Just A Dream, Dream, Dream."

So I leave for UF with 180 dollars and come back with 40...

I have to say the trip was rather good. We spent two nights sleeping on the hard floor of a dorm room. We spent two nights barely sleeping. We spent three days very tired. The food was good, and it was rather rare. We ate more than we should have... we spent more money on food than was good for us. We attended one church service, we attended far too many church services. I still believe in God, I still don't like his music.

I took a rather epic bike ride across the campus at around midnight to get the missing drinks we left in my cousin's car. I saw people walking up and down the side-walks for seemingly no reason which was rather odd, I saw a drunk girl fall out of an SUV onto the side-walk and lay there for what seemed like forever before her drunk friends helped her.... I don't recall the last time I went on a bike ride but part of me didn't want to go back to the dorm just then. Even after I had recovered the drinks something about the people walking around and the strange dream that was the night kind of made me want to ride around for a while longer on that bike.

I posed as someone else to get free food and mysteriously enough it worked... again.. I ate more than I should have. I drank far more than I should have... Non-alcoholic mind you. Which set me aside because there was a constant undertone of drinking. We shot a lot of pool and of course, did some late night bowling which we will probably do again tomorrow because it's something rather fun to do.

The trip home was horrid, the Easter traffic south-bound basically converted the high-way into a parking lot... so our three hour drive became a six hour epic. It was pretty damn awful I have to say.

Though all in all... I won't tell you all the details of the trip because some of them are the kinds of things best kept to myself, for my own reasons. I think though, on the over-all, it was a good trip and well worth going. Being back feels good, I'm quite glad to get to sleep in tomorrow without people kicking me... back in my own bed.

Going on 1 am now...Good time to wrap this entry up.

Good night all...

~Ryan.

Well, I guess the biggest news is that I have, for the first time in my life, found myself to be taking an honest and sincere interest in a girl before she said anything to me. It's not exactly on the best of circumstances though; I have to admit. While I think the feeling is mutual it's still on the rocks for outside reasons that I will not get into depth with now. My hopes are high, but I won't say anything for sure. We'll just have to wait and see...

Going away to visit UF (University Of Florida) in 2 days now. That'll be fun since I have friends up there. We're going to sit in on some classes and check out the campus in addition to just having some fun up there with old friends. It'll be a good couple of days, we're staying either 2 or 3 days before driving back down. So that'll be good.

I know I haven't updated in a couple days. I had around 48 viruses, 4 worms, 44 trojans enter my computer and put up a rather pitiful assault on the poor bugger. I'll admit, they gave me a small run for my money at first. Though after I got into the system registry it was just a dauntingly long and boring task of removing them all. So I blew 2 days on that and my computer is now clean. I get a good chuckle out of getting to use my PC warfare talents again, it almost tempted me to start up my Netstat tracer, my raw telnet lines and my IP shells and cause some havoc, but in the end the pacifist in me got the victory. Oh well.

It's like 4 am now... I think I'm going to get some sleep, I was waiting on that special someone to come online but I've got a feeling life's got her hung up tonight. Ah well, maybe tomorrow, yeah? Time to catch some sleep. Have a good night all.

~Ryan.

Today is gonna be the day that they throw it back to you....

Back-beat the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out.....

I'm sure you've heard it all before, but you've never really had a doubt....

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do, about you, now....

Because Baby. You're gonna be the one that saves me.

-Lines From "Wonderwall" Oasis.


Well, I'm bored again, with life in general, still doing pretty well in school and looking into UF for Criminal Psychology. Taking the NEW SAT on June 4th which thus far I have heard is a real bitch. That basically means my score will drop a bit since apparently the new version is much harder than the old one, but it's necessary for college admission.

Spring break starts as of this Friday, and at the moment I'm planning on going up to UF (University of Florida) campus with some friends and staying up there from Wed-Sat as far as my spring break week goes. That should prove to be a lot of fun and be more amusing than sitting around my house collecting dust.

Hmm, the Chorus teacher at my school is still trying to get me to join choire...again. Which is not going to happen, although since we seem to meet on some level she's got a bunch of tickets to a couple Opera renditions and offered me up one for free... as oppose to the normal 100-150 dollars that they sell for. I'm rather pleased about this and might have to take her up on that offer on the 31st. For someone in their mid 20's she's surprisingly into classical music which is cool for her. Though I can't pass up free tickets to an Opera down at the... I think it's the Kravitz Center, so that'll be good times.

Sin City is coming out to theaters soon... must go see that. It looks a lot like a Pulp Fiction style movie and just caught my eye in general and thus I shall. Going to have to find someone of moderate intelligence to see it with since Robert and Matt condemned Pulp Fiction in their vast stupidity and need for wet humor. That part will be rather tricky.

Alright so.. I'm off to work now, need to make some cash. Bye.

~Ryan.

WELL!!! I got extremely bored today so I wrote this short prose. It's a gathering of my own ideas and some concepts some friends graciously gave me. If you don't feel like reading it... okay. If you do read it, thanks. I hope you enjoy it and uhmmm... Good times.




Pyre Painting Of Just After Night:

A swift and half-hearted jerk of the leg sent a cloud of dust and sand spraying from the side of the aqueduct and onto the streets below. A tired shoe hanging off the edge of the stone structure was a claim to the force that had thrust the rock and dust from the towering structure. A subtle craving for power and control could have sparked anyone to destroy the edge of the walkway for the sake of hearing the crash of particles below. Like water on skin they crashed into the street and were immediately subjected to the wheels of cars and trucks alike. A delicate grin grew across a half-lit face as his head slumped over and let the night hours drag on.

The aqueduct had for since before time been out of use and utterly in ruin. The massive structure split the border between the flames of the bustling city and its million electric lights; and the ever crashing waves of the ocean at the west end of the city. The top of the aqueduct was a place not even a crane could reach; it towered over the city and was for all purpose reasons, an attraction of limited use. Though as for the current night, one that seemed like a life-time from start, this monolith had become a sanctuary for two sinners.

A sharp pain coursed up through the dangling leg as a rough shoe darted out and kicked it furiously. The slumped head rose quickly and the eyes darted around looking for their assailant. Having caught sight of his companion’s questioning facial expression he relaxed his body and lifted an eye-brow slightly to prompt the question.
“Hey Gen, you want one?” His companion said slowly dragging two cigarettes from a damaged carton.
Gen nodded slightly and drew a lighter from his pocket. He lit the cigarette and took a deep drag. A habit he had supposedly given up on many months back now seemed so familiar and necessary to him. After another moment of silent thought the voice came again this time slightly more timid.
“Gen... How did we end up here?” he said softly and with a bit of caution as he drew his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms about them. His eyes were large and curious now, jutting about with expectation and a ravenous need for comforting words.
“I don’t know Nate” Gen spoke calmly and without emotion, his feelings held deep inside.
“What did you do yesterday Gen? Why is this happening? What are you going to do?” Nate’s questions quickly becoming more prodding and direct, he clenched his legs closer to his chest and made small conversational hand gestures.
“Don’t worry Nate, you don’t have anything to worry about, this time tomorrow you’ll be with that new girl you met and you won’t have to worry about any of this? What did you say her name was?” Gen quickly came back to the moment and tried to offer some support to Nate seeing the anxiety and nervousness growing inside of him.
“.....What happened yesterday Gen? Tell me....” Nate’s face drained entirely as he asked the question, his voice had no tone and he was for all purpose reasons blunt and cold.






Gen remained silent for a moment. He stared out to his right, over the burning city and listened to the traffic and electricity flowing through it. Turning to the left now he looked out over the sparkling ocean and watched the waves crash against the stubborn shoreline over and over. The balance of this aqueduct was that it was the border of light and dark, fire and water. Slipping from the stone platform his hand dangled out across the light, and the fire, to his right and he felt as though falling right now would not be such a misfortune. He stared out across the endless fields of flickering illumination and felt the entire city meld into one blur of flame. Within the second of his mental state being overcome by the infinity of burning life before him, he was gripped by the droplet. A single, unlit wick amongst a sea of candles; he could see clearly, across the expanse of the streets and buildings into the window of a moon-bathed apartment. It was the dark drop of water resting in the flame and still it did not turn to steam. All of the moon and the stars would relieve their burdens of white light into this room and reveal to him the source of all pains.
Her body lay half wrapped in sheets of silk and satin and bundled neatly about her upper body. Her legs spread wildly out across the bed in tight black jeans that followed her curving body down to her ankles where they cut off to reveal her pale gentle feet, hanging from the bed. Her face was pale and cold, shrouded in shadows and night that polished her cheeks and kissed her lips with a ghostly hue. Among the screams and cries of the people and places beyond her room, above the screeching tires and bustling shops and clubs; she rested with a silence and tranquility that was rivaled only by the dark, water to the west.

Closing slowly, Gen’s eyes brought the darkness to him that he was longing for and on the inside of his eye-lids he could see her. More than just see her; he was with her, in her cold drop of water surrounded by the inferno. He sat gingerly by her side on the bed, watching over her with a keen concern. His hand gently running her hair as it spilled over her shoulders and down her arced back. Though as his fingers passed over the soft sandy blonde strands there was a crimson puddle growing in the wake of his touch. Quickly withdrawing his hand Gen stared at his lacerated and ravaged fingers now dripping small tears of black and red blood on the white sheets of her bed.
“To cut my hand on the hair of an angel? Something so fine that my fingers cannot touch?” his voice echoed throughout the room as his thoughts met his vocals. It was just like before, just as it would be, nothing could change this now. Suddenly he felt the ocean air...

Standing on the opposite side of the street from where the road met the grass and the dunes of the beach, Gen felt the wind whipping hard off the crashing ocean waves and hitting him hard in the face. The sun was setting just out over the horizon; one fire of the day was melting into the water and another, the electricity behind him, was just beginning to burn. Out in the sand and bobbing among the rolling waves of the ocean were people; the kind of people who can take to the cold liquid and let it roll over them. People who took life as it came and bathed in the love and pain that it brought to them.







She was there, standing on the beach, wearing those same black jeans and a white shirt. Her hair was playing with the western wind and being tossed and waved in the open air just in front of the descending sun. She was just another angel in the sand, she was always smiling, always happy, and full of modern life. She knew all the right people and said all the right things to
fit in with the people of the ocean. She wasn’t the type who would ever come across the street. She had no business among the fire or the smoke. Gen’s shoes shifted uneasily as he anxiously watched the world beyond the aqueduct, a foreign place where all the beauty of one girl was reflected on everything and everyone else.

After a few minutes of what seemed like forever, Gen shifted his entire body and strolled down a nearby street to busy himself for the next couple of hours. The Sun had retired under the ocean for several hours by the time Gen arrived at the bus stop. Waiting impatiently for a ride across town to his apartment he took a seat on the rickety bench and began to tap his leather shoe vigorously. With a bit of fear and surprise he realized by what divine creature he had stolen space from. His hands shook slightly as he slowly glanced in her direction, and then glanced again to confirm his fears. His breathing became irregular and controlled to keep himself contained and his eyes focused hard at the ground. With some hesitation he turned to her and said in a very wavering voice “Hey...”. She replied with a small, meek, smile that was most obviously fake.

Gen’s heart sank as he saw this and stared at the ground again hoping to die in the coming moments for his inability to ascend to her standards. It was not as if he had noticed her above any other girl with an thriving radiance, but now... something had stuck. He replied her smile, over and over it rampaged through his mind like a storm. That false smile had something behind it, words that were spoken so loudly and without a sound. Gen felt a fascination, a curiosity and a need to know growing inside of him. There was something dark behind the smile that everyone saw each day from this girl’s sunny face.

Without bothering to even pose a question, Gen said with a hastened and anxiety driven tone “What’s wrong?”. Her eyes swelled for but a second at this. Her heart must have skipped a beat and despite her initial denial she would spend the next hour waiting for a bus that would never come and telling the shadows of her life to someone she barely knew. They would walk across town through the steam of sewer vents and sparkling puddles under the cascading electric city. They would stop at her door and fumble through good-byes and giggles as “What ifs” raced through their minds and hearts. Walking home alone now, Gen’s intrigue was consuming him from the inside out. Someone as normal, as average, as the angel on the beach had become something so much more. She was nothing this earth was ever meant to experience, and somehow he could not deny a longing inside of himself.









The lights of his four room apartment remained off that night. A lone figure perched inside a window like a moth attracted to a lamp; he sat on his window-sill and looked down into the flaming hell of the city below. The lights were on in full force that night and they flickered across his face with utter amazement. A rose in his left hand and a small cup of strong spirits resting beside his left foot in the window sill; he stirred the drink with the petals and let her embody the illumination on the glass before him. It was less of her image and more of her heart that had gripped him so. For someone who smiles with such ease, she held within her, the sin and sorrow that he could not even begin to rival. The paradox of her life was something he wanted to dive in... to swim in... to curl up inside of her and mend that aching heart of hers.

His apartment was always so alone and so empty. It was not uncommon for him to spend long hours at the window. His entire life now revolved around her, and his friend Nate. They were the only two people who would dare come beyond the sparkling beach and into his life. The apartment had four rooms, for most this would seem so small, but for Gen his apartment was a vast area of open space, wasted on one lonely life. The steaming streets of the city and the job at which he worked were until now, his greatest love, and he had never looked beyond them, but with her, it was as if he had a higher meaning. A purpose for which to love living his life, was granted to him by her in every way, and he could see no wrong or flaw in her entire existence...

His ruffled suit and uplifted collar served as his bed that night. When by morning his head rolled forward from the inner wall of the window frame he knew she would not soon be leaving his thoughts. With a shower and a change of clothes he left went about his work and his day as he would any other; but the day itself did not even exist to him, only the night that was coming gathered any focus or concern from him. His anticipations and expectations had swelled inside of him and though he could not admit to himself what he felt it was undeniable and true. For all that she was and for all that she was not, she was one thing between the city and the sea; between the fire and the water; that had become real to him.

Again they would meet on that bench, and as the hour past and no bus arrived. They would walk down to the water of the ocean and Gen would lose himself in it with her. Fully clothed and still uncaring he let himself sink into the darkness with her. Two ghosts in a never ending pool of white stars and black sky, utterly lost and beyond the raging flares of the city still burning, just over the sandy expanse between them. By the dark morning hours they had returned home and it was now that Gen took her kiss. Standing salt caked and soaking he brushed her mopped hair aside and took her love and all of her sin into himself... He slept beside her in her apartment, holding her in his arms, till the early morning when he crept out of her room with delicate care, leaving her sleeping softly in the shadows embrace.

He spent the rest of the night in the window sill leaving another rose left withering at his feet and he had no regret within him for what he had taken. She had within her, so much life and such beauty and yet at the same time, she was so unsure of herself. In all the time they had spoken she was always so doubtful of her life and her love. To her, it was as if everyday was a dream and nothing truly mattered in her life at all. Though to Gen, someone who was without a life to care at all... this mattered. This was a purpose for him, to mend this girls doubt, repair her beauty and ensure that this angel fly again, far from the flickering candles in which she lived.

By the following morning the first constant beeping met his ears and rang in his skull. The unstoppable flashing of a red light on a cell phone and the messages it held within from some unknown number. The threats, the promises, things of violence and hatred had come to him from one who longed for the angel on the beach, as he did. An hour slipped by, locked within his apartment and still the messages continued. By the time he had gathered himself enough to leave he had filled the extent of his phone’s memory and had turned it off entirely.



As the Sun coasted into the mid-day hours and the heat began to come down Gen was just getting off work. His pager had been constantly listing off some strange number identical to the one that had sent him so many text messages and so many hateful threats. By the evening he had begun looking over his shoulder, watching those around him with a ruthless suspicion. Ever shifty eye, or coat-covered figure in the crowded city streets was a threat, every corner hid a murderer and every shadow was waiting to lunge.

Gen returned to his apartment after work, the old paint-chipped stairs that went up to his floor were well lit and easily visible so he darted up them quickly and turned the corner. He found the door to his apartment hanging ajar and with a sudden recoil, quickly left down the stairs and headed towards the beach. Mind racing furiously Gen could not begin to fathom the lengths that this person might go to keep him from the girl he had been seeing. The concept seemed so distant and foreign to him; such an innocent love had sparked such a bitter contempt against him? Why? Who? He could not even begin to grasp the answers.

As the sun set beyond the horizon again Gen found himself again sitting by the bench waiting for the girl who had entered his life as viciously and unexpectedly as the person who now threatened his life. They spoke briefly, for something near the range of an hour until a bus arrived at the bench and the brown haired angel beside him faded into the distance, hidden behind flickering city lights and a glass bus window. Drawing a deep breath Gen could not get over the kiss he had taken from her just as she got on the bus and held it inside of him that it would most likely be the last.

He rose carefully from the bench and crossed a few city blocks to the edge of the grass where the city meets the beach. That’s where he had asked Nate to meet him and that’s where he asked for Nate’s help. Not looking to make themselves too obvious they climbed the scaffolding at the northern end of the old Aqueduct until they got to the highest platform. Together they waited in the evening, in silent thought they pondered a solution, an escape, a way out...

“Gen, what do you plan on doing?” Nate’s voice sudden forced Gen to snap his eyes open and return to the moment. His visions of the droplet of heaven in the fire were wiped away by the sudden realization of where he sat and the reality in which he was in. Everything of day-dreams and hope were washed away by the chilled voice and the stone on which he sat.
“I don’t know... She’s still out there, and I don’t even know who this guy is, or if she knows him..or what he plans on doing to me...or her.” Gen replied.
“I’m sure she knows him, probably just her boyfriend or something who saw you two together and got jealous, but there’s nothing between you two right? So it doesn’t matter?” Nate continued quickly while looking over his shoulder at the scaffolding.
“I never told her... but... I love her, truly Nate, I think I love her.” Gen’s eyes wandered off, looking for the droplet window out in the city.
“What did you tell her Gen?”
“I just told her the truth, I told her she was an angel in my life...” still straining to find that small drop of heaven among the now unforgiving flames of the city Gen spoke quickly and loftily.
“......That’s what I told her..but it was never the same.” Nate’s voice had changed drastically, it was cold and calculating now.



Gen’s eyes widened with revelation and disbelief as he came to terms with what was being said and what was meant. Turning his head towards the darkness, the water, the salvation beyond the city to his left and ignoring Nate all together Gen uttered something about love and beauty to himself. Looking out over the pool of stars and sky Gen never even felt the bullet that passed through his head and was never heard in the depths of heaven or the light of hell, and never known by anyone at all.

"I want something else, to get me through this
Semi-charmed kinda life, baby, baby "
-Third Eye Blind.

That about sums up the week in general. Between having to take that ridiculous FCAT Science and then not having to be into school till 10:45 today the entire week has been very... off. Everyday this week has felt like Friday and none of them have felt quite as complete or full as the days of a normal week. These strange schedules always put me through a loop. Anyways next week is looking pretty normal except for another day when I get to go in late, which I believe is Wed. After that though, I'm on Spring break and hell, that's just fantastic. I'm going to be loving that week long break.

It rained a lot this week and I was thoroughly drenched THREE times, to the point that I had to change clothing and shoes... not fun... then it became really cold out... NOT FUN... The weather this week has sucked almost as much as the week in general.

Went ahead and signed up to take the SAT again.... apparently there is a new test out now and I'm going to need to have a score on the new version of the SAT to get some big points with the local Universities. That'll be happening on June 4th.... Not looking forward to that at all.

HOWEVER, I am looking forward to this weekend, even if my plans to shoot pool fall through, and or I can't find anything else to do this weekend, it's going to be nice to just have two days away from the schedule. Hmmm, well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. I like Friday's, they're a rather care-free day and I always feel like getting out and doing something... Any takers?

...Can I borrow your Halo there, my beautiful, darling, Angel? I seem to have misplaced mine...

~Ryan.

Worked at ICARE Medical today... made about 40. Good cash since I'm planning on shooting a lot of pool this weekend. I've gotten pretty rusty over the past 6th months. Haven't been to kiss-shot in a long time so I think I need to get back into the billards this weekend and brush up. Don't have to go in till 10:45 tomorrow because the Sophmore's got Norm Reference Testing. Good times.

*Yawn*

And I'll write more tomorrow. Really tired... have fun.

~Ryan

So here's the break-down.... Hope it doesn't sting.

Beth is a liar and in all honesty... a bitch in all forms of the word. When we start dating she tells me she's a virgin and we almost have sex... thank god it doesn't happen. Last night she reveals that she lied and she's been knocked up by 3 guys before me. Liar! Fucking! Liar!

So basically, today she wants her Suikoden 2 back. I sent that game to her in hopes of having her leave my life forever. She's got this nasty looking guy named "Chris" now and to be quite honest, he seems like a nice guy. I just hope that sadistic, psychopath, whore doesn't drag him down like she almost did me. Jason S Hornsby, as perverted and strange as he is; his warnings about Beth were dead on the mark. She's a liar, a whore and just a bad person in general. She's spiteful, hateful and full of an unquenchable rage that thrives on her pathetic, failure of a life. What can I say?

Though you know what! I'm HAPPY AS HELL. I'm Sooooo Happy right now because I know that Beth is out of my life and my life is so much brighter and better than hers.

Well, that's that.... Anyways, I got more days off this week because the Sophmores got a bunch of testing to do. That's awesome because we're going to go over to Joe's house early on before school, I've actually got a ride this time. =) Besides that, I'm pleased to report my Math teacher is absent all this week. Thus it's an easy week and my 3.3 GPA is maintaining itself nicely. Huzzah!

Hey, anyone play Devil May Cry 3 yet? I went to the video store to find that fucker but couldn't locate it anywhere. I'm kind of upset about that because I heard it was fucking awesome. Too bad they took out that Angel chic though, she was rather awesome.

~Ryan.

Heh, fun day today. I didn't have to be in till noon, hooray. So it made for an easy day at school. We didn't end up doing anything this morning so we're probably all going to go over to Mike's house later tonight after my cousin gets out of class. That'll be nice since AGAIN I don't have to be at school till noon tomorrow. Mwahahaha

In other news, I found out today that my GPA and AP classes validate me for the "Bright-Future Scholarship" thingy, so I'm applying for that this summer after I retake the SAT to see if I can get my score a little higher. I'm looking at skimming into UF, but even if that fails I'm going to go to community for two years and then go to UF for a major. I'm looking at Psychology or Criminal Psychology. NOTE: This is not to say that I've given up on writing all together, I'm just planning ahead in case my novel doesn't happen for a while I want to have a degree I can work with and as it stands I've got all the credentials for it so things are looking good.

Aside from that it's been a pretty boring day. Uhhhh? Hmmmmm? Stuff.... Meh, I guess that's all I have to talk about today. I'm going to go finish up a spot of homework and play some X-Box till some people show up later.

Good night all.

~Ryan.

"Looks like somebody's got a case of the Monday's!"

Yes and I'm fucking happy with my infectious case of the Monday's now back the hell off.

Yeah so today was Monday.. another one for the book I guess. Rather dull day at school, bunch of people randomly bitching at one another and talking about how much "FCAT Testing" sucks. I can't say I'm all that surprised. Seems like all people are good for lately is a good bitch and a half. I'm all for helping people with their problems, in fact I really enjoy trying to help people, but don't try to put your problems ON ME. They're not mine and even if they are, I don't want them. Mwahaha *Evil Grin*

FCAT however for me is a good thing. It means I don't have to be at school until 11:30 tomorrow, which is Fan-Fucking-Tastic mind you because I'm probably not going to go at all... Not as if I have much better things to be doing with my time elsewhere. However tomorrow morning most of us are going to go have breakfast at a diner somewhere near Joe's house so that'll be amusing.

Anyways.... I need more topics to talk about, so anyone who has a problem or a conflict and needs to talk to someone who has a lot to say and almost no concern for judging other people... feel free to post a request and I'll take up your topic in my next update. It's like a game, but you don't win anything.

*I Like Pleasure Spiked With Pain*


~Ryan.

So we we got a bunch of people together last night... We played some Texas Hold-Em and I made a good spot of cash off that. Around a 23 dollar net profit. That's a good night of gambling for me, especially since I walked in with around 9 in my wallet. After that we considered our options and opt'd not to go to the beach, for the sake of not having to deal with any police tonight. We went back to my cousin's place and spent a long night at his house till around 5 am this morning. I got a couple hours of sleep on the most uncomfortable damn couch I could possibly find and woke up this morning with the head-ache from hell. So now I'm going to go to bed and try to shake this bastard before tonight, because we're planning on doing it all over again, but we've got even more people tonight so we'll probably not be at anyone's house.... at least not ours, I'm hoping we end up crashing somewhere with some damn beds because that couch was fucking terrible.

People need to keep their clothing on.... even at 5 am.... It's good advice.

After last night though, after just having known these people and known how they function in general. Avoid girls who wear ribbons in their hair more than 4 times a week. That's the first sign that you're playing with a fireball. Ribbons are a sure sign that the minute that sweet little girl gets tired, bored or upset she's going to grow horns, flames will rise, and the devil himself may cower. I'm going to say a little prayer that none of those Glitter-bound psychos came back to the house last night, or my head-ache would have been worse...tenfold.

It was a good night.... and now it's going to be a sleepy day, so that tonight can be more of the same. *Summons Pain-killers* Good night everyone... or Good Day... whatever covers your coffin.

~Ryan.
-The Son Of a Preacher Man.